Even though I worked straight through my birthday, Linda, Kim and Shelley remembered me. Thanks! My family remembered it was my birthday but they didn't say anything like kick back and enjoy yourself. It was more like, when is this floor going to be finished? Bless'em, every one.

Well, the floor is finished. The furniture is arranged and believe it or not, things are half way clean and organized. Just a few bits here and there to be done. As is always the way. I think it is impossible for me to have anything complete...but I can't worry about that now. The floor is done! We'll just see how long it holds up to 3 kids and 5 dogs. (crossing fingers)

I snuck online this evening and ordered myself a tranquility fountain. I think I deserve it. Now I just have to figure out where I'm going to put it and hope that my cats aren't so amazed by the colored mist that they end up breaking it before I get to enjoy it. (crossing other fingers) Don't tell Doug though. I'll figure out what to tell him later on after it gets here and assuming he even notices it sitting wherever I decide to put it, but for the moment I'm on highly restricted spending limits, so shhhh.

And as it has to happen when things are coming together, something comes apart. It's all part of that balance thing. Something has to be screwed up or life will be uneven, you know. So tonight in the clean kitchen, up on the clean (and dusted) landing, Gimli ate one of Jacob's Buzz Lightyear sandals and the corner of the piano seat. See? Balance.

It's just a few minutes after 8 and already it's full dark outside. Now I'm not crazy about the time change that will have us sitting in full blown nightfall by 5:30 pm, but I can't say I mind the dark at this time of day. The moon has been amazingly beautiful for the past couple of nights. I find myself planning a chance to sneak outdoors without kids or dogs hearing me (it's not as relaxing with kids in the door asking to join me, or little doggie noses pressed to the living room windows - then I have to clean dog snot off the windows and there we have that balance thing again). In fact, everyone now is occupied with other things, think I'll go see...

Yep, still hanging. It's a beautiful sight. The whole of the moon is visible and it looks like it is sitting in the cradle of the crescent. I love the moon. I love to sit in its glow and rest. It relaxes me, opens my thoughts, lets me work things through. The light of the moon is a reflection of the sun...and of myself. Whatever in me needs to be worked out, it can be done by the moon. It brings me clarity in the quiet darkness of night.

The air tonight is cool and the kids are quiet in their beds. Maybe I will find some time to sit outside and clear my mind. I could use a chance to regroup - to let some things go and make room to organize other thoughts. I could use that organized thought thing. I've been writing this week. Fiction. An actual story. I'm not sure where it's headed, but it's on it's way. I've written maybe three pages so far. It's like drawing blood from stones, but it's a hell of a lot more than I've written in the past four years. I'll take it. Every blessed painful word of it

It's there in my head, I know it is. I see the scenes of it in my mind's eye often throughout the days; playing out as in a movie. Getting it from my head and onto paper though, is an ordeal. Seat-to-keyboard interface problem is what my brother would call it. I'd say he's right on. Maybe tomorrow, or at some point in the near future, I'll pass a point where my fingers know where my head is going and it will just come spilling out. (crossing more fingers) It's not happening tonight though. Think I'll grab a glass of wine and head out into the night to sit in the moon's light. And I'll think about it.

As birthdays go, it's not been a bad one. It's been not much different than most other birthdays I've had in recent years...I've worked my butt off today. I'm not sure why, but holidays that are just for me (meaning my birthday and mother's day) are usually spent with me working hard. I remember a Mother's Day spent cutting our entire yard with a weedeater because the lawn mower was broken. Want to give the impression of a bigger yard? Cut it with a weedeater. Dang thing turns into acreage. Anyway I'm not sure why it is that I tend to have to work so hard on my days, but I do. Upon first thought it doesn't really seem fair but I wonder if I'd have it any other way. If I ever get a choice in the matter I'll see which I choose.

Happy Birthday To Me

Happy birthday to me. I am 23. Hehe, not really, but it rhymed and 23 was a good year :) I'd do it again. It's 8am and I've just finished putting the first coat of finish on the rest of the living room floor. Naturally, I had two kids up before I was half way finished. Any other Sunday they would be in bed until ten and the paint could dry with no problem. Put paint on the floor though, and it's like an alarm clock. Only this one they can hear...unlike the ones they have that are meant to wake them up.

The floor looks nice. It's amazing what a difference it makes. Inside the door I laid a 4x5 foot tile area for walking in on. I'm sure the tile will wear a bit better than the paint would in that area. It looks good too and saved having to paint that area. A good thing. I'm running mighty low on paint at this point. There is one area that's about 2 feet wide and 6 feet long that I need to paint still, but I can't do it until the hutch is able to be moved back into it's place. That's the good thing about painting a wood floor. The boards make it so much easier to do in sections.

Thank goodness it will be finished today. I'm tired of painting and my butt is sore from sliding around on the floor for the better part of a week.

Leirin started classes at Tech yesterday. At 8:30 we pulled into the parking lot on campus and walked up the huge hill to the Industrial Arts & Sciences building. I've never been to college but yesterday I dropped my 11 year old off to start. Go figure. Classes went well for her and I am proud beyond words. I think I've probably mentioned that before.

just changing wrong links and need words to publish :)

Progress

Today I've spent the majority of the day cleaning up the floors so I can move furniture on the other half of the room I have to paint still. I like just shifting and working around things but it sure makes it take a lot longer. The tv is in place though and directv dude tells me Fed Ex will have our new receiver here tomorrow. I'm thinking relaxing evening on the couch for must see tv. I made it through to the washer and dryer too and both are busy working away as I type. It's nice not to have to step over things on the way to and fro. It only lasts a moment though because tonight I have to start sanding the other half of the room that still awaits paint. Only two pieces of furniture on that side though - it should go much more smoothly if I can just get everyone out of the house long enough for it to dry. It's the section of the house most traveled and is right inside the front door too. That should be interesting.

I love the way the floor has turned out so far. Imperfections and all. And there are a lot of them. It's mighty hard to take the most open room in the house and keep the kids out of it...much less 9 cats. For the most part everyone was well behaved but the pig did have to take a chance on trotting across wet paint yesterday morning. The paw prints touched up fine and the paint wore off his feet by the time he got to the areas of the house that aren't waiting to be painted. Whew! Jacob was jumping from one piece of furniture to the other yesterday over the wet paint on the floor (a game he's made. Jakey jumps the lake of wet paint. Will he fall? If he falls, will he survive the wrath of the painter goddess (that's me ;) ) Well, he fell while I was taking a business call and he touched it up with the poly before I got back. I decided against snatching him bald-headed just then. I was going to need help hauling all those books and movies back to the shelves this morning. He was very apologetic and he did stop playing Indiana Jakey and the lake of painted fire and he's been a big help to me since. All is forgiven. It wasn't anything a stamped leaf on top of wouldn't fix. And it did. Almost.

All that is left is putting the quarter round molding around the room. That's a job for another time though. I'm ready to complete phase 1 and move on to phase 2 (sitting on my butt for a few days). Right now I think I'll grab a hot bath and leave the sanding for tomorrow. One day of rest in the middle of it will probably do me good. Actually I'm counting on it aggravating me to no end to walk in there and see the oogly part that still needs painting so that by the time I start the actual work on Friday, I will look forward to it instead of thinking I'd rather take a beating than get started. Again.

7:30 and already this morning I've had to repair the cord on my vacuum cleaner. Gimli has hit the chewing phase . I'm reminded again why I don't do electrical work. I don't like it. And there's that possibility of electricution thing - though not a very big threat of it with what I was doing. I have yet to plug the vacuum in and run it for the first time though. And for some reason that always worries me. What if I did it wrong? Hate wiring.

The house looks like it's seen three types of disasters at this point. Books are everywhere because I'm not at a point where I can load the shelves back up. The floor still has the walking area to be finished. School work litters the entire office area because we have no good place to work now since every open area is piled full with something. I just can't manage to fix one room without destroying three others. It's a curse. Well worth it when it's finished, but boy it's a long way from start to finish.

A lot has to be accomplished today because we have tons of laundry waiting and well, I can't get to the washer and dryer. There isn't enough coffee in the world to prepare me for what has to be done.

And don't forget, please spay or neuter your pet. And if it's a dog, have their teeth pulled and jaws wired shut while you're at it

More later when I'm not feeling so hopeless...

Got a few pics of the living room floor so far up. If you're interested you can see them here (hope that works)

Life, paint, and horses

I got the carpet out of the living room yesterday and was reminded fresh exactly why we chose to put carpet down years ago. I swear that in all the years this house was a rental nobody bothered to clean up a single thing that was ever spilled and the spots remained under the carpet until I pulled it up to give them light again. My own children have added several to the collection over time so now it looked even worse. The floor is beyond saving. Enough of the wood would need to be replaced it would be called a new floor, not a repaired one. I don't have the money for cheap vinyl, much less new hardwood at this point. Something had to be done though. The carpet had to go just as surely as this floor needed fixing. I hate carpet. Impossible to keep clean and even if it appears it's clean on top, the underneath of it all hides a multitude of yuckies. I've swept up enough sand to fill Jake's sandbox even though I've owned the "best" vacuums on the market. It's no wonder our allergies are slightly better with each piece of carpet removed from this house.

Still, I wasn't sure just how I was going to make do with this floor. All day I spent strategically arranging furniture to hide ugly spots. If the couch went here, and that went there, tv over yonder, then the rug could just about cover all of that dirty spot over there. Problem was, no furniture would face each other much less the tv. No, I needed floor. Floor I can't afford. It seemed like paint was the only thing to do (and I can afford a can of paint).

I was in the middle of deciding furniture placement when my daughter reminded me it was time to go to the farm. She's missed the horses since she left work on the farm to return to school and today she had arranged to meet Nicole during feeding time so Leirin could take pictures. It was time to leave and we had to climb over a table to get out the front door and I still had no idea what I was going to do. (I have a tendency to start jobs like this, even big huge major ones, with no clear picture of where it's going. Thankfully, it ends up working most of the time, but I have no idea how it does. ) So we got in the van and went to the farm. Leirin and her friend Sophia (along for the ride) immediately took off to visit Sonny, the horse Leirin has missed the most since leaving the farm. Many times I'd go to pick her up after work and find her standing in the pasture with her arms wrapped around the neck of that horse, her face tucked into the dip where her long neck met shoulder, and Sonny's sweet nose would be laid gently on Leirin's back. I'm quite sure Sonny loves Leirin too. But my mind is wandering...

I stood at the back of the barn talking to Nicole and Robin because I was too tired to walk acres and acres of pasture in the blazing sun. We stood outside, propped on the iron pasture gate like a bunch of cowgirls, Nicole with a lead rope draped across her shoulders. It didn't feel like the wild west, but it sure felt good. There on the top of that hill, with a slight breeze blowing the scent of grass, hay and horses around, I found perfect rest. Ripley, the most beautiful thoroughbred I've ever seen was feeling frisky. He would trot from one end of his area to another, beautiful shining mane lifting in the wind as he ran. I may not be a cowgirl but I understand the wanting to run. The freedom of flight, even in an enclosed pasture. Watching him, I missed throwing my legs over the wide back of a horse and running to nowhere in particular. Of course its been so long since I've been on the back of a horse I wouldn't last two steps without a saddle. And in a run, even with a saddle, I doubt I could keep seated. But I remember...

I went back to the car after about an hour to wait for the girls to finish up. It was the first rest I'd had all day. I can rest on the farm like nowhere else, except maybe the porch at my dad's house, but it's the same kind of scenery minus the horses, and the open fields of pasture, and the smell of horses. Well hell, it's not similar at all I guess, but it feels the same. It's country - nature. And it's where I belong. So I was sitting there watching the horses and what to do with the living room came to me. I dropped the girls off at home when we left the farm and I made a quick run to Lowes for paint.

The floor is a not-quite white with a creamy barely yellow undertone. The whole floor will get painted in that color and I have another white (still not quite white) that I'll use to stamp leaves on the floor...kind of like a damask cloth. It should be lovely when I'm done. I am having to do the room in sections because I have no other room I can put all that big furniture into while it's being done. And that's where our front door is so I'll have to paint in front of it in small sections we can step over as it dries. Ah the pleasures of doing stuff like this while still accomodating family.I am discovering that the wood boards make painting in sections pretty easy. Thank goodness. I'll be taking some pictures and putting them up somewhere later on today after I shift furniture again. Warning...the befores are going to be practically gross, but that should only make the newly painted floor look even better :)

No matter what I do, I just can't sleep past 7am. Yuck! It's Sunday, I could, but I can't. Why, why, why? Instead of sleeping like the dead and drooling on my pillow, I'm chasing my insane little ferocious dog trying to get her to stop the yapping. She's not really mean - she just thinks she's big and she feels the need to warn the world that she's awake and everybody better cut the crap because she's here to run the show. What is it with little dogs? Gimli, our newest addition and resident big boy (mostly because out of a boston, a jack russel, shih tzu and min pin, nobody really qualifies as "big" and they're all girls anyway) has been sitting by my chair because now he's big enough to put his chin in my lap while I sit at the desk. He likes this because I can scratch his ears. It frustrates him because typing takes two hands so he ends up spinning me all around trying to get me to stop typing and scratch his ears. He gave up a few minutes ago and my guess would be he's laying on the couch since I'm in here and he's not allowed on the couch.

Today I am definitely taking the carpet out of the living room. I can only hope that the number of times drinks and bowls of cereal have been spilled, they've been cleaned up quick enough to keep me from finding an unexpected bunch of funky circles on the floor once the carpet is gone. I still don't really have a plan other than take carpet out...hide or fix what's ugly. I'll have to see the uglies before I figure out how to hide them. I hope it's not too bad and that my area rug will take care of most of what might be beyond fixing. We'll see.

My little cat Winkin' is trying to climb into a paper shredder box that's oh, maybe 4 inches wide. Winkin has a thing for boxes. I don't know if she just thinks they are comfortable or if she thinks she looks good in them. Whatever it is, if there's a box or even an empty plastic bag, she's going to be in it as soon as she figures out how to make herself fit. Silly cat.

The cats and dogs have a big place in our house. We have a tendency to narrate for them...what they are thinking, attitudes of the moment, facial expressions (and they do have them). Each one is different. Each one special for a different reason. Sometimes we make up songs for them too. They are a constant source of entertainment. And happiness. They make us very happy.

Most people don't understand why we have so many animals sharing our home. Shoot, sometimes it's difficult for me to understand why we have so many, but then there will be one with nobody to care for it. One that someone has opted to just let go and save that 50 or hundred bucks it would take to fix them up. There is something in the eyes of these animals...like the wonder that children have. A promise of love and affection. Real devotion. Dogs are what people should aspire to be - minus the chewing of furniture. Yeah, I have a couple of chairs with missing corners. But I have 5 little dogs that will stop whatever they are doing...drop their bones and balls, leave their comfy spot in the sun...just to love me for a few minutes.
And when the day has been long and frustrating, and nothing's turning out quite right, there is nothing like the feeling of a soft floppy ear in the palm of my hand and a warm, wet muzzle resting against my wrist.

I remember a commercial that used to come on (I am a commercial fanatic). There's this little puppy making promises - I promise to never chew on your shoes (and it shows the pup dragging a shoe twice his size to a corner to nibble on) I will do this and that and be this and that. Ultimately you end up with the promise of a real friend. At the end of the long list of things he promises the voice says... "As long as you keep scratching that place that makes my leg do that thing." How sweet!

I really love commercials. Right now I like the football commercials that rework the old songs. Even the ones with the twins in them. It's not that I like the commercials exactly but the idea for them is the most original thing I've seen done in a while. I also loved the old Ivory soap commercials. There was one that showed this huge, grizzly of a man, wrapped in a towel and holding a little bitty baby that one of the giant man's hands would have covered. Awwww, so tender. I can't explain my thing for commercials. I just love them. Oh and then there was the one with the little boy setting up the rolls of toilet paper to make bumper guards for the puppy as it came ripping through the house skidding into walls and corners on it's way to be fed. That one just cracks me up because it's every puppy I've ever had. I'm weird, I know. I like tv shows too, but commercials really get my attention when they're original. I'm the ultimate consumer :)

Right now I need to turn into handymom and start ripping out carpet so I should go.

I woke up last night having chills. I don't know if I'm getting sick or if it's because I went to sleep with wet hair and maybe I was laying too close to the air conditioner vent in Jake's room. He had asked me to sit with him for a few minutes while he fell asleep and, as always, I think I probably beat him to sleep. That's a really funny thing about me. Normally, in my own bed, I have a hard time getting to sleep. I'll lay there with my eyes closed, my brain asking "are we asleep yet?" for a couple of hours most nights. But go sit with one of the kids and I'm dozing in record time. I think it's all the yawning the kids do that makes me sleepy. Or maybe I hypnotise myself trying to send the sleep message to them. Don't know.

This morning I'm not feeling too hot but it's not a deathly ill kind of feeling either, so I'm hopeful it will pass. Amazing thing...Jake was awake by 7am! This kid has never rolled out of bed before 11 on his own. He's a nightowl extraordinaire. Awake until 1 or 2 in the morning with no problem. Just don't think you're going to get him anywhere before noon. It makes it tough most days because I have to wake him up around 9 if we're going to have time to get our school work in and have some down-time before the girls get home from school. I'm hoping we may be on our way to a new schedule here. Time will tell.

I've spent the day doing remodeling. Or maybe it's just modeling since it's nothing really major. This morning I sewed curtains for Jake's room (he's going pirate on me - ARGH). We got them hung and stitched the fish netting to the tops to make funky little valances and since he couldn't decide where he wanted to hang his pirate flag, I finished painting the hall doors. It is finished. Yay me! I came in here to take a break and darn if the living room carpet isn't screaming "RIP ME UP! RIP ME UP! I'm dirty. I'm nasty. I never look good! Put me out of your misery!." I don't have money for a new floor but I might could manage to squeeze out enough moola for some floor paint. I don't want to move all that big furniture though. I don't know. Maybe I'll rip it up and see what's under there. Sure wish Linda S lived closer. We'd have my living room looking sharp in no time, I bet.

I've been chatting with Michelle and she's been making me jealous with tales of her adventures in dating. Dating sounds like such fun. Maybe I should talk my husband into asking me out sometime - if he ever gets to come home, that is. He's still working doubles every day. Hey, that's two links in one blog and if they work, I'll be getting pretty good at this stuff. If they don't, I'm giving up.

Well, when I sat down here I had a lot of stuff to write now my head is empty. I guess I shouldn't have started drinking until after the blogging. Some of it was pretty good too (knowing how I usually write that's probably not true) but all that's left are flashes and it seems like it was good stuff. Oh well. I think I'll have another glass of wine.

Edited the not working link to Leirin's pictures. I must be getting smarter because this time it worked. Yay me!

I've been playing with the "almost" website again. I wanted to show off some pictures that my daughter Leirin has taken. For the moment there are only a few up there but they are excellent. Once I get my computer to read the picture disc her computer made, I'll have a lot more to add. She's an excellent photographer, I think. Anyway, the three of you that I know read here can see the pics here. I hope that works. She isn't here to let me know if I did it right. The website is pretty empty still, except for the photos sections. I still have many to add once I figure out how to put another table at the bottom of that one. I'm SO software stupid and so far all I manage when I try to do that is to make the bottom cells taller. Will come with practice, I guess.

Speaking of Leirin. Yesterday I enrolled her in an equine management certificate course at Tri-County Tech. I had to wait to hear whether they would allow her to take the courses or not. She's only 11 but we had excellent references from her farm boss, her grades are good and her plans for life are convincingly well thought out. Apparently it was more than enough to show them she wouldn't be wasting the instructor's time or making the admissions people look foolish. Yesterday she got her interim report and her averages are great so far this year. She has a 100 avg in two of her classes! All A's except for one B (in science which she still hasn't made up all the work from our missed vacation week) and I expect it will be an A before the end of the 9 weeks.

I'm really proud of her.

With Emily home sick today, we didn't do a lot of book work for school. Jake and I play word games where he searches out a word tile after I read it, or I'll point to one and he reads it to me...something like that. We make it up as we go along. I've found that we can accomplish often twice as much learning in play as we can with a book and desk. We had a pretty laid back afternoon watching Edward Scissorhands and Practical Magic. Leirin's bus broke down AGAIN this afternoon and she didn't get home until nearly 5:00. I'd sure like to see some of that education lottery money so we could get these piece of crap, held together with spit and string buses off the road. The buses surely don't need seatbelts or airbags and those big metal bars across the backs of each seat aren't dangerous because the darn buses aren't even running half the time. I'm not one of the ones that railed against the lottery. If somebody wants to piss away a buck on a chance to win a couple million, so be it. I'll even play occasionally. I just don't see education improving in any way because of it. Oh yeah they've set up scholarships for college students...more than half of which are too stupid once they get there to keep the scholarships and the government don't think we need to sink any of the money into early education. It has to go to college. I think maybe we should spend a bit more time making sure they can read when they get there.

Ok, not sure where all that came from. Onward. It was a relaxing afternoon. Good thing too because Doug didn't get to come home and I had to cook supper. I hate cooking supper. My kids hate me having to cook supper. They are about to get used to it now though because aside from Sundays we haven't got to sit down and eat dinner with my husband in over two months now (not counting last night when we drove to the restaurant for dinner just so we could eat supper with him ). Self-employment sucks sometimes.

The weather is loverly these days. I have the windows open in the bedroom because it will be in the 50's tonight and I want to feel every single free degree of it. I'm tired of paying for running air conditioner at this point. I'll take the cheap cool, thank you very much. And I like being able to hear the crickets sing. When Emily was very little she used to have me crack her window when she went to bed so she could hear the crickets. Every night she'd say "Open the window, mommy. I want to hear the crits singing Old McDonald Had a Farm." I'm not sure why she thought it was Old McDonald they were singing, but she did. Tonight she is asleep on the couch in our bedroom. I wonder if she was awake if she'd still think they're singing Old McDonald Had a Farm?

I've noticed that the majority of the time I have to go back and fix a typo it's to fix the word "thing" which I have accidently typed instead of thinK. I wonder why I do that?

Ok...I've just yawned the one hundredth yawn of the last ten minutes. I think I'll call it a night and head on in to bed.

The school bus didn't come this morning so at 20 minutes til 8 we loaded into the van and took off down the road. I just got the van yesterday so I haven't learned all the stuff on it. I didn't know that the door wouldn't open if the car wasn't in park. And when the little boy tried to open it in spite of that, the safety thingy just stopped it, leaving Emily with only a small opening to squeeze through to get out. I was still sitting there trying to figure out which button to press to let the door shut so we could move on as everyone else had. It felt silly. Yes I can drive the car. I just don't know how to shut the door. A little practice and I'll get all this stuff figured out though. I just hope the bus shows up tomorrow. I'd rather practice in my drive than in front of 50 other cars waiting for me to be able to move.

In other news, I've started looking at the Atkins diet. Lots of printing and wrinkling of the nose so far. I am not sure I eat enough of the foods allowed in induction to survive for 2 weeks (I'm a teensie bit picky) but I guess we'll see. I've set a date of Sept 20th to start. That should give me time to read up and gather food I need and binge a little on what we have here of the foods I fear I may just die without ;) We'll see if I chicken out or not.

In other, other news, the van has no ashtray. Not one that I've found. I've decided to resist the urge to add a bean bag bottomed tray to a cup holder and just go for no smoking in the van. The car has always been a trigger point for smoking. I always smoke when I ride so if I can manage to break that habit I might have a chance to break others too. Smoking at the computer will be the toughest (and probably the last) trigger place I attempt to phase out. I don't want to send my poor body into shock with too many changes all at once.

Much to do today. Must move...

Not a lot accomplished today except for getting a new car. Now I'm sitting here with a brain that's wanting to travel in a thousand different directions. I'm sure that somewhere in there lurks some decent blog babble, but I don't know if it's going to surface or not. I'm tired, I have indigestion (patty melt and onion rings for dinner), and a headache is coming on - too much greasy food but occasionally I just have to do it anyway. I'm not sure why, but I adore a good old greasy burger and crinkle fries like you'd get from those roadside mom and pop type places. Knowing this, my husband occasionally indulges my craving and throws bacon on top just because he loves me. Ok, so I suffer. I don't think I've had one time yet when it wasn't worth it. Maybe there was one time when I was pregnant and had bouts of indigestion that could have taken down an elephant the size of a Mac truck, but I can only vaguely remember, so even then it must have been worth it.

I was reading Lani's mention of trying the Atkins diet and I keep wondering if I could do that. I'd love to knock off 20 pounds real quick like. I wonder though if I could live without starches. I'm love starches so much it's a wonder I can't sleep standing up. Potatoes, rice, pasta, oooooh the pasta. Doug says he's only ever seen a football player able to down as much pasta as I can in one sitting. No meat? No problem. I'll just have the noodles please. Preferably doused in a creamy alfredo sauce with freshly shredded parmesan. Could I do it? Nah, probably not. I don't love smoking near as much as I love fettuccini alfredo and I haven't quit smoking yet. I have, however, gained 5 pounds (out of 12 lost). The diet is definitely worth considering but only if I can eat sinfully well in the fat department.

I'm particularly interested in Lani's "never felt better" comments. I'd like to say that. Instead I wake up every day feeling like a snail that accidently took the salt trail. I drink a pot of coffee then switch to type 2 caffine and do my best to work through that bottle of soda by dinnertime. Breakfast - coffee. Lunch - Coke. Snacks - More coke and a Little Debbie cake if I've bought any at the grocery store (usually I don't because I can NOT resist them. It's so bad I have to fight the urge to hide the boxes from the rest of the family. Not good. In fact, writing it down makes me sound a little obsessed with Little Debbie. That don't sound too good either. Better move along...

Koni said she didn't find Jamie Fraser all that appealing. GASP! But when I heard her reasons (long matted hair and nasty clothes) I had to agree that I've wondered if I could have tolerated that were I born a few hundred years back. No bath every day. ICK. No hairbrush? Even worse. No toothbrush? NO WAY! But it was never his looks as described, or even his body (though heavenly it did sound) that made me think he was the perfect man. It was the way he talked. How he shared his secrets. how he loved that completely that caught my fancy. In real life, I doubt I could live their story...seperated for 20 years, seperated over and over and over again and in the time they did have together, constant struggles and upheavals. Nah, in real life that would probably just aggravate the hell out of me. But to be loved like that...well, I think I just might could endure anything.

Does my husband not love me like that? I couldn't really say no. He loves me well. And after having spent a week apart from him recently, I can say I have no doubt his heart is mine. But he has never said anything remotely like "If my last words to you aren't I love you, you'll kin it was because I didn't have time." Would I find myself melting if he were to learn a couple of endearments in Gaelic to toss at me on occasion? Damn skippy I would - just call me Gomez - but I don't think that's it either. I think...hmmm, what do I think? I think most of all that a man like that does not exist except in the mind of a woman writer...or maybe all women. As to what makes him a man like that well, I'm not sure. Will have to think on that more. I'm just positive that if there were a Jamie Fraser 200 years back and it was possible to get there...I'd be in the first cracked stone and on my way too quick to talk about it. Oooooh, I have a thought! I'm thinking that maybe JF's attraction is in knowing his thoughts. Maybe my husband has thought many things steeped in tenderness over the years. I don't know...his brain didn't come complete with narrator and I'm afraid he experiences brain to mouth interface errors. I never know what he's thinking. He loves me, yes. I love him, yes. We've both suffered with it and for it in many ways, but we have endured. I still want more and so does he. Oh I could want to change many things about him if I sat down to make notes, I'm sure. I'm sure too that were I do get that man of my own design, I'd probably be missing the one that's got our son up way past bedtime playing Morrowind on a school night within a short time.

And there it is. Blabber blogging...nothing like brain dead tired to get the funky stuff flowing looks like.

I'm not big into traveling and I've often described myself as a homebody. Shelley calls herself pedestrian and I guess that thought keeps coming to me because if I go anywhere now I'll have to walk, but maybe it isn't how to describe me. Dull and unexciting? Maybe just a tad. But pedestrian belongs to Shelley. Since I haven't had transportation this week, you'd think I am a socialite with places to go and people to see. Every blasted thing I've tried to work on this week while stuck at home has required at least one thing I don't have here. Yesterday I broke down and started painting hall doors. Paint and paintbrush I have. The rest will have to wait - just like those hall doors have waited on me for such a long time.

That's the good thing about being rendered pedestrian. I've accomplished a good deal of minor and major fix-ups this week. The master bath (if you can actually call a 6x9 room master anything) has new wallpaper, has been scrubbed top to bottom and is thoroughly organized. The kids bathrooms were yesterday and even they are impressed with the outcome. Now if I can just get that light bulb that's broke off and stuck in the socket out of there, we will have light again in the half bath. For now we have strategically placed candles - which the kids decide against bothering to ask me to light before they go potty. It's not my fault they wait until the last minute and go ripping though the house to pee in the dark. I tried.

Still no word from Chrysler Corp on my van. It is still sitting in my yard, unable to be touched by even a dealership until their legal department inspects it. I am told it may be up to two weeks before they call to schedule to look at it. I'm waffling on what to do. Right now my options are 1)see what they will do to the van and if I'll feel safe driving it once it is done. 2) put tires, a/c and seatbelts in the Mustang (a 1966) and drive it around looking cool (I kinda like this option except my feet don't reach the pedals and that would necessitate having the drivers seat moved, but I like the looking cool part). It still wouldn't fit our entire family but we could get by for a while. 3) take the insurance money and buy a new van. 4) get van fixed, trade in and get new van (might could also trade the mustang but I don't know if they will take an older car or not). My mind reels with the possibilities...sigh...

In other parts of my life (and yes, there are others in spite of what it's seemed like lately). My puppy baby is growing up. Two days ago I let him out to potty and he lifted his leg to pee. He's 4 1/2 months old now and probably the most calm lab puppy I've ever seen. His best pal is our little Luna - all 3 pounds of her. They are quite a pair. When Gimli needs to cut loose and get wild, he does that with Corri (the Jack Russell). I look at him and know there was never a doubt he would end up staying with us, so I don't know why I put myself through trying to decide. He's a smart little bugger too. He sits on command, begs almost perfectly though he has a tendency to sit too straight so that he flips backwards and bangs his head. Last night, in only half an hour, Leirin had him sitting patiently while she placed his absolute favorite treat (pupperoni) on his nose then he'd jerk his head back and catches it. He is impressive. I wish my kids were so easily trained. Makes me think maybe I should've had puppies ;)

Speaking of puppies...last night Leirin designed a bookmark using a picture of Gimli that she painted in windows paint. Under the picture it says "Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies" They turned out really nice. Later, if I can figure out how to do it, I'll put a picture of it here.

A lot of work waits for me today. Last night after I went to bed, Doug and Jacob stayed up late playing Morrowind together. I'm not sure what went on in Jake's bedroom, but they managed to rip down two of the curtains and most of the work I did helping Jake get his room cleaned and organized was wasted. I still have doors to paint in the hallway and errands to run while Doug is home and has a car. Time is short and the list is long. I should get at it.

I'm Fall-ing

The signs have started. Cool morning temperatures that make you think, yes, this might just be the day to break out the first lightweight long sleeved shirt of the season, and lovely breezes in the evening signal Fall. It's my favorite time of the year. While Spring may be the season of rebirth and renewal, it can't compare to Fall in my book. This time of year is when I'm most motivated, most content. I gather my thoughts, I plan, I revel.

It is the time of the Harvest, the last days of the light and as with anything about to come to an end, boy does it feel good now. When the cold sets in and the nights are long when few things bloom, it is these days I will long for rather than the sweltering Summer. It is this time when I reap the contentment of my spirit and gather it into me and am filled. I really love Fall.

I woke up this morning with the large round moon seeming to hang right outside my bedroom window. Close enough to touch, it seemed. A giant casting it's warm glow over all things as we slept. It's comfortable...comforting. Like the nesting period before birth, though the body is heavy and burdened, when the spirit can sense the coming. This time of year is my nesting period, when I make things ready, accomplish much, and feel good doing it. Though just as with the nesting period before the birth of a baby; it doesn't last near long enough for me before I have to move to the hunker down stage that is the Winter - the waiting.

Today will be a wonderful day, I can feel it. Regardless of whatever stresses the situation with the car may bring, this day was produced just for me. There is at least one of these kinds of days every year. THE ONE that I bottle up in my memory and carry the feel, look, and smell of with me until another is granted when the wheel turns again.
Occasionally I get more than one...a whole week's worth maybe, and those are grand. But even just one will carry me through another year. This day I will remember the essence of, no matter how many follow through this season because this is the first, it's the one I've waited for.

Midnight Snacking


The more sleepy I get the more my tummy was rumbling so I poured myself a bowl of Apple Jacks. One of my faves from childhood. Except now I can't pour a bowl of them without hearing some smarty pants kid say "Eat what you like." and that gripes me. Why didn't they just keep the song? It was way better than the crap commercials they make now. And hell, if they had to make a big deal out of why it don't taste like apples why in God's name are they putting big blue carrot chunks in them? Like that makes any sense at all. I'm a little bit irritated because one of my kids - who will remain nameless to protect his identy drank all but, oh I'd say 2 tablespoons of the milk and put the container back in the fridge. Since I've spent the evening in the yard working hard, my arms ached picking up that empty container just like they would have had it been full. Of course I didn't notice it until I poured it over the heaping mound of cereal and now it's damp and has to be ate, eaten, eated...whatever.

I'm about dead on my feet at this point after doing major battle with the front yard all evening. I told my husband I need a man. I wonder if he'll ever let me have one since he is always working and I have all the housework and yardwork to do. He kinda giggles (not that men really giggle) and gives me this 'yeah right' look. Sigh. I really could use a man...

On the bright side of it all - I think I may have saved my roses from the rogue blackberries. Last year my husband planted daylillies by my roses and the buggers have spread and spread and spread until they grew right under and through the roses so when the berry vines started popping up, I didn't notice them. Then the rain started and they grew like Bill Bixby on gamma radiation. Overnight. My roses were nothing more than a canopy of blackberry vines. Jake's container garden had gotten way out of control and the weeds had crept up on the boxes so that we were scarcely able to tell if he had a watermelon or cantaloupe hidden in the middle of all that mess.

So tonight I took out my new hedge trimmer and went to work. For a little while I worked trimming out the blackberry vines by hand, but my hands stung from all the briars and I hadn't even made a dent in the rogue growth so I just buzzed all that crap right off there. While I was working, and since I had a few more minutes before complete dark, I decided I'd trim the ancient azaleas too. I had finally managed to wrestle the garden containers out of the way so I could mow the weeds and I figured the azaleas would look a lot nicer too if they were neatened up a bit. As I was trimming the tips of the wildest growth I saw something fall and felt it hit the ground at my feet. It was a big old watermelon...growing in the azaela bush! All in all I gathered two watermelons and two canteloupes and ran over about - I won't even guess at the number of itty bitties I hacked with the mower. The yard is practically presentable now though and that just tickled me to death. If only I could get both of the front hedges trimmed to the same size.

I'm dog tired and this is really lame. Think I'll head to bed and try again in the morning.

$3,000.00 to fix my van. YUCK! The airbags didn't even open (though according to all the crap wrong with these vans they might have been supposed to...who knows? Sucks a big one and that's all I'm gonna say about it today. I'm sick of the van. Had it. Wash my hands of it. I'm through.

Yeah.

I was on my way to bed last night and just as I walked over to flip off the light I noticed a folded piece of notebook paper, carefully lettered MOMMY on the side that was visible. Inside was a note from Emily. In it, she apologized for messing up Jacob's room - earlier in the evening (HOURS earlier, in fact, practically afternoon) I had scolded them for stripping everything off his beds and piling it up in the floor so they could jump off the top bunk and onto relative cushiness spread all over the floor - she goes on to say that sorry don't count since she shouldn't have done it anyway and ends with I love you mom. P.S. I'll run away if you want me to.

That girl. She can aggravate me to no end, piss me off, and make me cry all at the same time. Is it middle child syndrome? Am I that bad a mom? I folded the note up again, just as carefully as she had done it before placing it in front of my pillow. I wondered if I've ever given her the impression that I'd actually say "Yeah, you run away now." Well, there was that one time she got mad at me and was determined to run away and never come back. She had packed up a grocery bag and her backpack. She swiped the flashlight, extra batteries for her gameboy and every can of Spaghetti O's we had in the kitchen and went around the house dramatically wishing all a good life before she "left". I do remember telling her she might want to pack a can opener. But really, I wonder. Could I have EVER given any of my kids the impression that I don't want them?

I'm afraid I may have. And this morning I'm feeling like pretty much the worst mom in the world. I couldn't ask for a sweeter 8 year old than the one I have. She helps me clean house. Folds clothes like a champ. She has a heart as big as the sky is wide and as tender as a baby is soft. Sure there are times I'd give my right arm and someone else's for a half hour of quiet but I don't want my kids to go away. I kind of had in mind them sitting quietly in their own rooms doing their own thing too. Did I wish for it so bad or try for it so long that I've given my kids the impression that I just might wish them away from me?

I sat up until after midnight thinking about it. The most important thing in the world to me is being a good mom. But as I considered how I go about it, and what a good mom is to me. I think I have been getting it all wrong and all the mom-ing I'm good at is busy mom...frantic mom...sucky mom. And this morning I feel so bad. Something has to change. I know it has to because apparently the kids don't even realize it needs to. Emily thinks (apparently) that she is the problem. Or one of them. I have got to find a way to strike a balance here. I'm obviously not good enough to do it all. Half of it even.

I suck.

Something's got to give soon.

My van is an evil monster

Yesterday's quick call to make arrangements to have my van repaired turned into an all day ordeal. Talk to this person at the insurance company, try to figure out why they won't pay to fix the fonk up in my cruise control - only the resulting damage. Call the dealership to find out about having it fixed there and then going in for body work because that's what the insurance company guy recommends. Only that guy tells me to call the manufacturer once I explain to him what happened. So I dig up the number for Chrysler customer service, which is awesome btw...on the surface. I called them, talked to a really nice lady, find out that the part that runs the cruise control is covered by a lifetime warranty and I think, Cool! Save me money anywhere. I need it. But I hang up from talking to her and hours later I'm feeling the adverse effects of customer service.

Turns out that my "Lifetime warranty" part is actually a part that's been recalled. So I don't understand why I'm having to let my van sit in the drive with NO work being done to it so that an inspector that their legal department is going to send, can check it out. I'm not sure why this can't be taken care of at a dealership. But then again, I don't know why the dude at the dealership didn't tell me about the recall. Maybe the inspector guy is going to come down and do something to the car since the recall was issued only for cars that have under 70,000 miles. Like the only important people in the world drive new, low mileage vehicles. Mine IS low mileage...just over 70,000 miles. And why did the lady call it a lifetime warranty when it's a recall. And if it's a lifetime warranty why does the recall limit the mileage? And why won't they let me take it to the dealership for repairs?

So I'm checking out this recall information and I started searching for other recall stuff because I've not received any notification on this particular recall. What I've found is frightening. The NHTSA has information on investigations of several major safety issues that are apparently common in my van. The leaking rear window (this one isn't safety related but it was there and since my carpet is mildewed it's a PIMA), side doors that don't open, seatbelts that come unlatched on their own during sudden stops (or otherwise just riding down the road), electrical problems, ABS brake system troubles, high oil usage (Chrysler has issued "normal" oil usage ratings of 1 quart of oil for every 750 miles. What?) and these are the things wrong with my very own car. These are the things so dang expensive to fix that it's the very reason I haven't got rid of it yet. I hadn't realized about the seatbelt unlocking thing. We've actually been blaming that on Emily. Now I feel bad AND I'm a little bit pissed. I thought my car was safe for hauling my kids in. It isn't like I'm rough on a car either. Sure it stays messy and I don't get time to keep it washed regularly, but on average, I put 10,000 miles a year on it. I keep up with the scheduled maintenance, keep the oil changed, and I don't drive like an idiot.

Even more scary are some of the problems under investigation that I haven't experienced trouble with yet. The rear window is known to "fall out" on occasion. The rear door latch fails in crashes, the seats sometimes release from the floor and occasionally the seatbelt anchors will too. Then there's that fuel system problem that's caused the deaths of 5 people due to fires. The real pisser was finding out that most cars come equipped with this thing called a Brake Shift Interlock that won't allow the car to be put in gear when the keys are in the ignition unless the brakes are depressed. Several women have been hit by their vans when their children have knocked them out of gear (6, I guess, if you count me) and a $9.00 part would keep that from happening...does keep that from happening in a large number of other makes of cars. There are the electrical problems that can cause the driver's side air bag to deploy when the vans are cranked, or they can not deploy at all. And of course, there are the ever-horrible transmissions. I've replaced mine once already and fully expect to have to again just because 2 transmissions in one of these vans in a 5 or 6 year period is not uncommon. In fact, every person I know that's had one of these vans for that period of time has put at least two transmissions in them. And speaking of transmissions, I should also add to that problem list the special type of transmission fluid that's required to keep that piece of shit transmission running is so highly flammable, vans have burst into flames after making the drive from people's homes to shopping centers. Now that's worrysome.

So I'm disgusted and I'm worried that now I'm going to be stuck forever with a car I'm never going to feel my kids are safe in.

Vacation

There is a Hell, and Destin, Florida sits right on top of it. How else could it be so hot when it's only 89 degrees outside? We left last Saturday at 5:30 am and we pulled back into the drive this past Saturday at 8 pm. It's a long drive. A tough ride when once upon a time you were ran over by a three year old in a mini-van while you tried to clean battery cables off. I'm content in knowing the van was the safest place for him to be considering how close we are to the road and the trecherous driving of maniac students still hungover from Friday night's festivities. I just failed to consider that I was in front of a car that he was inside with access to the gear shift. Anyway...boy I get off track easy...my knees, hips and ankles hurt like crazy the entire trip down and back from having to sit for so long. Ten hours start to finish, with about an hour's worth of breaks in between for eating and quick dashes to a potty wherever we could find one. I love vacation. Hate the getting there and the getting back parts with a passion.

The drive down was horrible. A few short hours into the trip we realized that some 70 miles back, the highway we were supposed to follow for 170 miles had split - and we had failed to notice. Damn road signs in Atlanta. It's confusing. And we were WAY off track. A look at the roadmap over breakfast gave us a new driving plan that wouldn't take us much out of the way. Woohoo! We were on the way again. Then Jake managed to slosh a ridiculously small amount of Coke from his cup and short out the inverter that ran the television that was supposed to be their entertainment on the long trip. It fried, it sizzled, it went kaplewey. Kids get bored fast.

Just as we were connecting with the roads we were supposed to be on in the first place, we rear-ended my brother at a red light on an exit ramp. My pop hit the brakes and the car just jumped forward and slammed us into the back end of my brother's practically brand spanking new Jeep Grand Cherokee. Holy crap! Could it get any worse, we wondered. Apparently Jeeps are made of some pretty strong stuff and Dodge Grand Caravans are made of something more like toilet paper rolls because his car was as good as it came off the lot and mine was crumpled beyond recognition in the front. A call to AAA and 3 1/2 hours later, we were on the road again. My car wasn't fixed, but it had been made drivable by a nice man at a Goodyear place who only charged me 34 bucks to do it. My pop is a good driver, bless his heart. He couldn't believe that we had managed to practically run over my brother, his wife, their baby and my mom, but it wasn't his fault. We finally figured out that something is making the cruise control come on and it tries to take us from pokey slow to 60mph in an instant, then refuses to stop no matter what we do. I'm not sure if that is really fixed yet. They're going to have to go over it when it goes into the shop just to make sure.

And we were only half way to Destin.

We bought a new power inverter at the K-Mart and headed off down the road again hoping against hope that we had seen the last of the bad luck for this trip. Thankfuly, the rest of the drive was uneventful. The kids now had a television again and we were on the right road once again after that long detour. I could worry about fixing my crumpled up car when we got home.

The house was wonderful. We had a private pool in a beautifully landscaped, fenced back yard, a lovely little tiled balcony with a porch swing outside my bedroom overlooking it all, and a jacuzzi tub in our bathroom with slick, cool marble all over the place. We spent most of the week just relaxing at the house. We cooked our own food on the grill by the pool. We swam in the pool rather than going to the beach because it was red flagged every day and the water was way rough. Being the tourists we are, we did go down one day and let the kids wet their feet but the pull was so strong I could barely manage to hold on to Em and Jake so that only lasted about 5 minutes. They got to feel the waves break over their feet, make a sand castle and got sand in every possible orrifice though, and they were happy.

We visited the Gulfarium and the kids got to see live animal shows with seals and dolphins and they were happy. They even got to pet real live dolphins. We drove down to Pensacola to visit the Naval Air Museum too. Jake LOVED the planes and they have a nice collection of personal effects from people who lived through, or died in,battles ranging from World War 1 to Vietnam and they had a cool presentation of planes recovered from the ocean floor. We got to ride a flight simulator that took us on a trip with the Blue Angels, then the kids did another one where they ran a bombing campain in Desert Storm. They loved it. Other than that, we spent our time at the house and Wal-Mart (buying food and stuff for sunburn - there is no such thing as a sunscreen that works with the sun there) and we just hung out. We did go beachcombing early one morning before sunrise but we didn't find much treasure. Instead we watched the sun come up while we picked up trash people sitting ten feet away from garbage cans are too lazy to get up and put in there. Jake just loves picking up trash. Maybe he really is going to be a garbage man when he grows up. He's always saying that he is.

I missed my husband. Every minute I wished he could have been there and I couldn't wait to get back home (though I didn't really want to leave Destin to do it) I just missed him. It was only our second whole week long vacation ever and he didn't get to go with us. I had a hard time sleeping without him. I missed his cooking. I missed him while I sat in the big swing looking at the moon late at night or in the hour before sunrise while I drank coffee all by myself out on the balcony. You know there are times I'd give my right arm to be away from the man. It pisses me off to have to fish his dirty socks from under the bed or pick up his beer bottle caps from all over the house because he just leaves them wherever. And it aggravates me to no end when he trims his beard onto a towel to keep from getting hair all over the sink and then shakes the towel into the toilet (thus covering it with hair) and I have to spend much longer wiping teenie hairs from all those hard to reach places on and around the toilet. But I've been so glad to see him since we got back home I wouldn't leave again for Destin right now - even if it was free - if I had to go without him. I love that irritating dude.

He missed me too. And he's told me that about a bazillion times since we got home. We pulled into the drive Saturday night just a little past 8. We had just dropped my pop off at his house and we were finally home. We had a car still packed to the top with stuff that we'd taken and what we accumulated while we were away. And we managed to accumulate a lot of stuff. They had a really great outlet mall nearby the house we stayed in, and their Wal-Mart had some kind of clearance sale on clothes and school stuff. Ok, so maybe I'm a goob for shopping clearance racks at Wal-Mart while on vacation. I can accept that. Anyway, we pulled up out front and when I opened the door to get out of the van I saw my husband drive up right behind us! We were so happy to see him. VERY happy not to have to unload all by ourselves after that long ride back. We gave him the gift we got him right away because, well, it was blocking everything else that had to come out of the van. He laughed when he saw that we had bought and brought home a palm tree since he missed going to Florida with us. Who knows if it will live here. The lady said it would if we took proper care of it in the winter time and sprinkled some salt around the base of it a couple of times a year. I reckon we'll see. He was thrilled with it. That's all that counts right now. He ooh'd and ahh'd over the gigantic horseshoe crab shell the kids found while we were beach combing. It's about 15 inches across and way bigger than any my husband has ever seen before so the kids were proud they decided to bring it home to show him (it was the only treasure we found that day...beaches there are clean, clean, clean). I have no idea what we will do with it.

We've been home now for a full day and a half. I've almost got everything put away and I'm in the mood for overhauling our entire house in the process. I get motivated that way after I've been to some place that's really cool. I'm wallpapering the bathroom today, painting our bedroom next, yadda yadda yadda. I don't know why I'm that way. When things open up here I have to call the insurance company and make arrangements for having my car fixed. Life returns to normal. Rushed, busy, hectic, always running behind...and apparently I like it that way. It's been a good week overall, but I'm sure glad to be home.