$3,000.00 to fix my van. YUCK! The airbags didn't even open (though according to all the crap wrong with these vans they might have been supposed to...who knows? Sucks a big one and that's all I'm gonna say about it today. I'm sick of the van. Had it. Wash my hands of it. I'm through.
Yeah.
I was on my way to bed last night and just as I walked over to flip off the light I noticed a folded piece of notebook paper, carefully lettered MOMMY on the side that was visible. Inside was a note from Emily. In it, she apologized for messing up Jacob's room - earlier in the evening (HOURS earlier, in fact, practically afternoon) I had scolded them for stripping everything off his beds and piling it up in the floor so they could jump off the top bunk and onto relative cushiness spread all over the floor - she goes on to say that sorry don't count since she shouldn't have done it anyway and ends with I love you mom. P.S. I'll run away if you want me to.
That girl. She can aggravate me to no end, piss me off, and make me cry all at the same time. Is it middle child syndrome? Am I that bad a mom? I folded the note up again, just as carefully as she had done it before placing it in front of my pillow. I wondered if I've ever given her the impression that I'd actually say "Yeah, you run away now." Well, there was that one time she got mad at me and was determined to run away and never come back. She had packed up a grocery bag and her backpack. She swiped the flashlight, extra batteries for her gameboy and every can of Spaghetti O's we had in the kitchen and went around the house dramatically wishing all a good life before she "left". I do remember telling her she might want to pack a can opener. But really, I wonder. Could I have EVER given any of my kids the impression that I don't want them?
I'm afraid I may have. And this morning I'm feeling like pretty much the worst mom in the world. I couldn't ask for a sweeter 8 year old than the one I have. She helps me clean house. Folds clothes like a champ. She has a heart as big as the sky is wide and as tender as a baby is soft. Sure there are times I'd give my right arm and someone else's for a half hour of quiet but I don't want my kids to go away. I kind of had in mind them sitting quietly in their own rooms doing their own thing too. Did I wish for it so bad or try for it so long that I've given my kids the impression that I just might wish them away from me?
I sat up until after midnight thinking about it. The most important thing in the world to me is being a good mom. But as I considered how I go about it, and what a good mom is to me. I think I have been getting it all wrong and all the mom-ing I'm good at is busy mom...frantic mom...sucky mom. And this morning I feel so bad. Something has to change. I know it has to because apparently the kids don't even realize it needs to. Emily thinks (apparently) that she is the problem. Or one of them. I have got to find a way to strike a balance here. I'm obviously not good enough to do it all. Half of it even.
I suck.
Something's got to give soon.
Yeah.
I was on my way to bed last night and just as I walked over to flip off the light I noticed a folded piece of notebook paper, carefully lettered MOMMY on the side that was visible. Inside was a note from Emily. In it, she apologized for messing up Jacob's room - earlier in the evening (HOURS earlier, in fact, practically afternoon) I had scolded them for stripping everything off his beds and piling it up in the floor so they could jump off the top bunk and onto relative cushiness spread all over the floor - she goes on to say that sorry don't count since she shouldn't have done it anyway and ends with I love you mom. P.S. I'll run away if you want me to.
That girl. She can aggravate me to no end, piss me off, and make me cry all at the same time. Is it middle child syndrome? Am I that bad a mom? I folded the note up again, just as carefully as she had done it before placing it in front of my pillow. I wondered if I've ever given her the impression that I'd actually say "Yeah, you run away now." Well, there was that one time she got mad at me and was determined to run away and never come back. She had packed up a grocery bag and her backpack. She swiped the flashlight, extra batteries for her gameboy and every can of Spaghetti O's we had in the kitchen and went around the house dramatically wishing all a good life before she "left". I do remember telling her she might want to pack a can opener. But really, I wonder. Could I have EVER given any of my kids the impression that I don't want them?
I'm afraid I may have. And this morning I'm feeling like pretty much the worst mom in the world. I couldn't ask for a sweeter 8 year old than the one I have. She helps me clean house. Folds clothes like a champ. She has a heart as big as the sky is wide and as tender as a baby is soft. Sure there are times I'd give my right arm and someone else's for a half hour of quiet but I don't want my kids to go away. I kind of had in mind them sitting quietly in their own rooms doing their own thing too. Did I wish for it so bad or try for it so long that I've given my kids the impression that I just might wish them away from me?
I sat up until after midnight thinking about it. The most important thing in the world to me is being a good mom. But as I considered how I go about it, and what a good mom is to me. I think I have been getting it all wrong and all the mom-ing I'm good at is busy mom...frantic mom...sucky mom. And this morning I feel so bad. Something has to change. I know it has to because apparently the kids don't even realize it needs to. Emily thinks (apparently) that she is the problem. Or one of them. I have got to find a way to strike a balance here. I'm obviously not good enough to do it all. Half of it even.
I suck.
Something's got to give soon.
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