Possibilities
Today my mom received the call – surgery is scheduled for tomorrow; be at the hospital for pre-op paperwork and tests by 1:00. A month ago during her routine mammogram, two tumors were discovered in one of her breasts. We’ve gone through many phases since this began. First was the initial shock and scare of the possibility that she may have cancer. It loomed large – filling us with fear of facing the possible outcome. Then came hope…there was a chance, after all, that it was nothing. In the last few weeks we have clung to that possibility of nothing as if it was the only possible outcome. It is a luxury that time provides.
That last nerve, pulled tight as a bowstring is nearing the breaking point for all of us today. As I was walking the puppy I kept telling myself that we are still facing the possibility of good news. It exists now as it has since the beginning. Why am I suddenly filled with this sense of dread and fear?
At this point I believe the fear that I'm falling victim to isn’t the fear of the outcome, at all. Time is running out. The end of this is near and news – good or bad – is within sight. We fast approach the point where possibilities will become certainties. And facing certainties - when possible certainties are so frightening - the possibility of bad with no chance to turn back seems to dwarf the possibility of good news. Should the outcome reveal bad news, we will be facing a certainty we can’t get away from. It matters not, with our (admittedly) less than logical thinking, that the chance for good news is higher than the chance for bad. Good news won’t change our lives. Bad news will devastate 4 generations of our family.
So, be it logical or irrational, that’s the way it is. We have a few days, at most, in the bliss of ignorance, the shade of possibilities hoped for. It’s a scary place.
Today my mom received the call – surgery is scheduled for tomorrow; be at the hospital for pre-op paperwork and tests by 1:00. A month ago during her routine mammogram, two tumors were discovered in one of her breasts. We’ve gone through many phases since this began. First was the initial shock and scare of the possibility that she may have cancer. It loomed large – filling us with fear of facing the possible outcome. Then came hope…there was a chance, after all, that it was nothing. In the last few weeks we have clung to that possibility of nothing as if it was the only possible outcome. It is a luxury that time provides.
That last nerve, pulled tight as a bowstring is nearing the breaking point for all of us today. As I was walking the puppy I kept telling myself that we are still facing the possibility of good news. It exists now as it has since the beginning. Why am I suddenly filled with this sense of dread and fear?
At this point I believe the fear that I'm falling victim to isn’t the fear of the outcome, at all. Time is running out. The end of this is near and news – good or bad – is within sight. We fast approach the point where possibilities will become certainties. And facing certainties - when possible certainties are so frightening - the possibility of bad with no chance to turn back seems to dwarf the possibility of good news. Should the outcome reveal bad news, we will be facing a certainty we can’t get away from. It matters not, with our (admittedly) less than logical thinking, that the chance for good news is higher than the chance for bad. Good news won’t change our lives. Bad news will devastate 4 generations of our family.
So, be it logical or irrational, that’s the way it is. We have a few days, at most, in the bliss of ignorance, the shade of possibilities hoped for. It’s a scary place.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home